Everyone knows how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors, which typically comes up as a quick means of settling some minor negotiation with the caveat that the winner is entirely arbitrary. The notion of a Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament is therefore a non sequitur, since the winner by no means possesses skill, or strategic combinations of throws devised to reliably defeat opponents. Rather, winners are the
unfortunate recipients of a blind but lucky sequence, an algorithm, that produces an eventual winner yet is indifferent to the outcome. I can’t say quite why, exactly, but I’ve been puzzling over how three-way conflicts might be decided were the categories instead Strong, Stupid, and Smart, respectively.
Rock is Strong, obviously, because it’s blunt force, whereas Paper is Stupid because it’s blank, and Scissors is Smart because it’s the only one that has any design or sophistication. For reassignments to work, however, the circle of what beats what would have to be reversed: Strong beats Stupid, Stupid beats Smart, and Smart beats Strong. One could argue that Strong and Stupid are equally dense, but arguendo, let’s grant Strong supremacy in that contest. Interestingly, Stupid always beats Smart because Smart’s advantage is handily nullified by Stupid. Finally, Smart beats Strong because the David and Goliath parable has some merit. Superhero fanboys are making similar arguments with respect to the hotly anticipated Superman v. Batman (v. Wonder Woman) film to be released in 2016. The Strong argument is that Superman need land only one punch to take out Batman (a mere human with gadgets and bad-ass attitude), but the Smart argument is that Batman will outwit Superman by, say, deploying kryptonite or exploiting Superman’s inherent good guyness to defeat him.
A further puzzle is how the game Strong, Stupid, Smart works out in geopolitics. The U.S. is clearly Strong, the last remaining world superpower (though still dense as a board — new revelations keep reinforcing that judgment), and uses its strength to bully Stupids into submission. Numerous countries have shifted categories from Strong to Stupid over time — quite a few in fact if one surveys more than a few decades of world history. Stupids have also fought each other to effective stalemate in most of the world, though not without a few wins and losses chalked up. What remains, however, is for a truly Smart regime to emerge to take down Strong. The parody version of such a match-up is told in the book The Mouse That Roared (also a movie with Peter Sellars). But since Smart is vanquished by Stupid, and the world has an overabundance of Stupids, it is unlikely that Smart can ever do better than momentary victory.
Our current slate of presidential candidates is a mostly a field of Stupids with a couple Strongs thrown in (remember: still equally dense as Stupid). Then there are a couple insanely Stupids who distort the circle into an out-of-kilter bizarro obloid. As with geopolitics, a Smart candidate is yet to emerge, but such a candidate would only defeat Strongs, clearing the way for a Stupid victory. This should be obvious to any strategist, and indeed, no truly Smart candidates have declared, knowing full well that they would gain no traction with the half-literate, mouth-breathing public composed largely of Stupids who predictably fall in love with the most insanely Stupid candidate out there. An engaged Smart candidate would thus hand the victory to the insanely Stupid, who should be unelectable from the outset, but go figger. So then the deep strategy (gawd, how I hate this) would be to go with the devil you know, since a saint could never prevail against all the demons.